My mother passed away very peacefully early last Thursday morning. An aide was with her when she went, thank heaven. Her last request was for a drink of water, which she sipped and passed back to the aide before lying back down, looking up at the ceiling and passing with one last breath. Peaceful, easy, gentle passing. Something we feared would not happen because she'd been so combative with everyone (symptom of Alzheimers but also symptomatic of her personality).
Learned all this via a wonderful call from the nursing home manager -- I'm very grateful. My own sister, of course, couldn't be bothered calling me -- she assigned that task to her older daughter. I'm so SO done with all these passive-aggressive games and outright cruelties -- DONE with my sister. Sad to say, but this behavior will continue (and worsen) and I'm no longer willing to emotionally engage with that woman. She's a total stranger after all these years, and not a nice one.
So, yeah, I'm okay. Semi-sad, but more thankful that it was a peaceful end to her pain and suffering. No one deserves this kind of end (and the 4-5 years leading up to it) -- not even my abusive, nasty mother.
I haven't taken any time off work -- no real need and staying in routine has in truth helped me. Long phone conversations with my Aunt C. Friday morning -- that helped a LOT - and a very frank and honest 90 minutes with my cousin D. yesterday, which filled me in on many family details (and possible reasons for inexplicable actions over the years).
Will I write about this someday? Absolutely. I think that spinning these characters into a novel will help me resolve and move on -- I THINK. We'll see how that decision translates into action over the next six months of so.
K. told me that she needed another ring for her wedding ring finger. She hasn't taken hers off yet, but it's preying on her mind and T. hasn't worn his in months and (for all she knows) hasn't even told the people where he works now that he's married. This is HELL for her, I know, and I can't help her. I'm waiting for her to get angry enough to make a decision, difficult as it's going to be, but she's depressed and (because of that) stagnating. Perhaps her inheritance from F. will help -- I hope so -- at least she can lift herself out from the bills and use that freedom of choice IF SHE CHOOSES -- which I hope she does.
Being alone is a hell of a different thing from being lonely. 20+ years by myself has taught me that, if nothing else. I look back on three engagements is in now. I don't think her relationship started that way -- far from it -- but it's evolved into a useless, hurtful negative dragging at her 24/7 -- and she doesn't need that. I'm reminded of all the 'what if's' in my life and the way some higher power of fate steered me along the right path, even though at the time I thought it was nothing but hideously WRONG. I'm okay -- because of those twists and turns in the path, the unknowns, and the painful heartaches. Will I link up with another man someday? Perhaps -- or not. I'm okay either way.
Finally.
Right now, anyway.
On to the job situation. 41-42 teachers RIF'ed last Thursday night at the school board meeting -- 30%+ of our staff. No administrators, of course, and the current explanation is that some of their salaries are paid by categorical funds and therefore they can't be 'retired.' This new excuse is completely off the wall-new-unheard before now -- and I question the veracity. In 19 years I've NEVER heard that about these jobs -- go figure. Lying? Perhaps. Twisting and spinning? Definitely. Protect themselves and totally forgetting that we're working for our product -- the children we teach -- and not to preserve our own turf? For sure.
Lying weasels. All of them. I'm at a point where I trust nothing they say -- even a simple 'hello' and I'm thinking 'stupid idiot' as I do for GWB. How many times can these people lie and steal from children and cry 'wolf' to get the public to cough up more money -- and get away with it? Huge editorial in today's paper about a loss of faith in public education, which I completely GET. Who wants to stay in a job where working conditions are _____, you're lied to at every opportunity (and with no attempt whatsoever to cover those lies when they're uncovered), and where your job is flailing in the wind with every shift in political power and gameplaying? It's just not worth it. Would I leave teaching today if I could? Dang right. In a heartbeat.
Four-five more years, tops. Wouldn't be that except for the insurance and retirement. Yeah, I love the kids I teach and I love my job when I'm allowed to do it. The rest of this profession is for the birds -- and then some.
So where's our true education president? Hillary? Perhaps. She has more track record on children's and education issues from what I've seen. Can she back it up with action? That I don't know.
On to housework and school schlep. Gentle, peaceful day, mostly inside (fierce Santa Ana's out there -- yuch) and hopefully with some afternoon reading time. Hopefully.
Thank you, Lord. I'm well and truly blessed in so many ways. These peripherals will pass and we'll be okay. Just have to slough through it all. That's where you come in.
Thank you.
