Sunday

My mother is now in considerable pain, enough to require morphine that isn't really working -- she's twitching in her sleep and unable to find a comfortable position. I believe this is because everything is shutting down internally, and I pray the morphine/pain killers bring her some relief and peace in her final hours.

How do I feel about this? I haven't felt connected to my family since I was 17. A lifetime of emotional and physical abuse have made distance the preference -- and thank God I've been able to manage that. Am I okay with my family relationships? No, frankly, but every time I've tried to reach out to my older sister I've been slammed back, hurt, and abused -- Mom II, anyone? Sad stuff.

Thank God for my older niece, who is going through enough on her own without this added burden. She is my family. Bottom line.

Adding to this horrendous week -- our district's proposed budget cuts (thank you, Governator, for your short-sighted political stupidity) include the entire elementary music program plus a huge number of other cuts that directly affect children. No administrative cuts at all, of course, because that -- according to our superintendent -- 'is working well.' Kids don't know or CARE that district office administrators are "working well." They care that their class size has increased, there's no time to talk one-on-one with their teacher, the place is filthy because custodial services are virtually non-existent, supplies and textbooks are in short supply, the roof leaks, and there's no FUN in their day. Will these proposed cuts become reality? I don't think so -- not in their entirety -- but also suspect that our district administrators are waving us in the wind to soak more money from parents (among other things). We've gone through this 3-4 times over the past 18+ years, and I expect we'll go through it again if we survive this year. Question: how many more times are parents going to respond positively when our district administrators cry wolf? How many more times will they believe these people? You have to wonder. The district business manager said that the public explanation of the voter-approved parcel tax -- passed to fund counselors, music and fine arts programs -- was an "oversimplification" so the public would vote. Doesn't that mean a LIE? All of that money goes into general fund and is used for anything they wish -- including more administrators and more expense accounts. When will the public recognize the lies and act?

So I have options, I know, even though they're out of my comfort zone and will be difficult (without a doubt). I have to look for work in another field -- writing, I hope -- although that may be difficult because of all the writers making up for wages they lost during the WGA strike. We'll see -- something positive WILL come from this if I try.

And try I must. Failure is NOT an option.

Never has been, never will be.

So DO already.

Thank you, Lord.

Please help my mother die in peace.

My mother continues her sharp, suddenly rapid decline. Alzheimers/dementia, OCD, senior onset diabetes, years of inactivity and semi-agoraphobia plus the fact that she's 87 -- I pray the end is painless and calm.

Call from K last night to say that my mother had fallen in her room (possible heart attack?) and the hospice nurse was there. At that time L said that my mother wouldn't last the night. I called the home this morning and she was sitting in a wheelchair in the living room watching television. Vital signs had perked up and the hospice nurse had gone home. I talked to her for 2-3 minutes and she was pretty out of it, but the nurse said she'd refused her meds for a good half hour-plus (she's "very stubborn" -- no kidding...g...).

So was L's 'imminent' forecast from information she was given on the phone -- or wish fulfillment expressed aloud once again? Probably a bit of both, but perhaps that makes it even sadder.

Didn't sleep last night -- too much of this plus other things from work on my mind. Sometimes stewing brings clarity in the morning. Somehow. Certainly did feel better this morning, and managed 90 minutes of snooze on the couch this afternoon, which really helped bring me back to center. Thank heaven we have another vacation day tomorrow.

I remember so much cruelty, so many putdowns and punishments for alleged 'crimes' a young child couldn't understand -- so much abuse. Yeah, I've moved on, and yeah, I wish absolutely NO pain or suffering on this elderly woman. Can I respond with love? I'm finding that difficult. Compassion, yes, but love? I think I lost that 30+ years ago when I walked out of that house for the last time.

Is that sad - or survival? I rather think the latter, but realize that time will reveal more of that answer. Can I ever bring back any love or sympathy for my older sister, who echoes (and sometimes exceeds) what our mother inflicted on all of us? Remains to be seen also - but I somehow doubt it. Not sure I can open that door again and still protect myself.

However -- if I don't somehow reopen and revisit all of this -- am I closing myself off to virtually ALL love in my life? Will I ever meet a man I can fully trust? My track record is pretty poor so far, and I slammed and locked that area down after Dan. Ten years ago. Enough?

Perhaps.

Or not.

But I'm okay. Thank you, Lord -- that's your grace in my life.

Lazy, easy Saturday -- I'm grateful. Sunshine through every one of the huge windows lining one wall of my two-story condo -- gorgeous, lovely sunshine topped with blue skies and the greens of plants lining my patio. Siameezers sleeping next to me (or on my lap), 'helping' me fold laundry and 'helping' me read by sitting on my book/newspapers. Laughter. Smiles. Lovely. Peaceful. Calm.

Home.

Love.

Arnold signed the school and health care budget cuts into law this afternoon. In all likelihood that signature sealed the fate of the grant money we were hoping to spend on new textbooks and instruments because our wise leaders in the d.o. will steal those funds to make up this loss -- and, by the way, make themselves quite a hefty profit at the same time. So we're back to zero . Discouraging? You bet. Disheartening. That too. Love the kids I work with. Tolerating the upper administrative follies with less and less patience this year -- and can't blame myself one bit. Enough already.

but I whine....

Three day weekend with very little on the list besides the usual house schlep and a wee bit of homework for next week. So -- tah dah -- tomorrow I WRITE. 1K a day the goal from now on. FINISH -- and start anew. Get the habits in gear again and DO.

My color today? Light, bright -- yellow sun, blue sky, green nature -- happy.

My heart? Happy.

Thank you, Lord. Well and truly blessed -- and grateful. That's me.

Self-check

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."
— Albert Camus

So one of my three 2008 resolutions -- the last and the most important -- was to 'be happy.'

How am I doing on this one?

I'm giving myself a bit more self-kindness lately, not preaching with that caustic 'you're no good' inner voice taught and perfected by my mother and older sister over so many years of rip-downs.

I'm giving myself time to unwind when I get home -- sometimes 30 minutes (timer-:) on the couch with Siameezers on the lap, sometimes a full nap, sometimes just sitting with some Tivo catch-up -- but it's time and it's working.

I'm giving myself silence and peace.

I'm listening to music and reading before I turn out the lights every night, which helps me relax and sink into the warmth of the blankets/bed.

I'm grateful and saying it -- every night, last thing I do, with as many positives as I can throw in there. That's probably best of all.

I'm still beating myself up when I look in a mirror -- again, thanks to my parents and older sister -- unrelenting negatives about your looks plus the constant negative emphasis on unachievable perfection does that to one. I GET it, but the habit's hard to break.

So don't look in the mirror quite so much.

If at all. Does it REALLY matter?

I'm trying to leave work at work and bring only positive mindsets home. That means I'm not answering the phone if I don't feel like it, especially if I know (called i.d. -- godsend-:) it's someone who will gossip and carry on way past rationality about things we can't change. I'm trying to accept the fact that I CAN'T change some things, especially those fostered by our inept and selfish district administrators. They will answer for all of this someday, but that 'someday' isn't a given and isn't on the calendar -- yet. Someday...

I KNOW I CAN do the things my heart desires. I KNOW I can write. I KNOW I can publish books and do well. I KNOW I can.

The best way I can be kind to myself? Just DO it.

There's the rub. The joy and the rub. The 'do' is the hard part, but it'll get easier each and every day if I just let it evolve and I try.

TRY. DO.

and be kind about it.

Secrets

Many of them.

My weight. That one will remain a secret from the world forever, if I have my way.

My finances. Private, thank you very much. How much I paid for my condo, how much I paid in taxes, my salary, and all of that isn't anyone's business but my own. Ergo, a note to all those obnoxious and nosy gotta-get-the-info-to-gossip-about-it (or use it to tear others down) people -- you know who you are -- forget it.

My vote. My business. Ditto. Don't give me that 'I know who you're voting for' or 'my vote will cancel out your vote' stupidity. Doesn't work with me -- and makes you look like an idiot. Again.

My heart. Private. Sealed shut at the moment, but I don't think that's a permanent condition.

I hope.

Still private.

Infinite possibilities -- if you do something about it

...like hitting the 'send' button on the email containing the Sh writing contest entry. Did that this morning after 2-3 days of wishy-washy whining...g...

...like just DOING it -- writing the grant application in one big rush, letting my emotions write another application for a classroom Smart Board, writing the note and confronting those who use and abuse.

Slept VERY well last night -- probably because I did something about it. All of it.

My sister and her 2nd husband are in Fl at Kathy's house. Gotta be awkward because of Kathy's problems with her husband Tom and their separate bedrooms. How will this turn out? I pray it's in a way that's healthy for Kathy. That's all.

Lord, thank you for the sunshine today. It's illuminating my heartsong.

Please help me do.

I KNOW I can.

Infinite possibilities - ?

Super Tuesday. What does that MEAN?

After 8 years of bleak, selfish governing, are we finally taking ourselves back to where we should be as a country? Are we ready to slam the door on these criminals in the White House and move forward?

I sure hope so.

What's the message here? Vote Democratic? No, I don't think that's the answer for everyone.

The answer? Maybe it's as simple as finding your own voice, using your brain and listening for the authentic voices around you -- and using that understanding for the common good.

"do unto others..."

About time.