January 1, 2009 -- thank God...

...and I mean that. My mother died, Robbin Lund's husband committed suicide and left Robbin and her two boys in a huge financial plus ?(who knows) stew she may or may not be able to surmount, and I found out yesterday that the young woman who'd been doing my eyebrows, helped me with makeup a bit, and was just an all-round nice person died in a car accident Christmas Eve (with her mother and father, her mother now recovering from painful, difficult bone breaks plus everything else, and -- oh yeah -- we remain under constant stress at work because of budget cuts and everything else stupid.

Add the downer that is Bush-Cheney-Rice-all-the-rest-of-the-crooks, Schwarzenegger-why-did-we-elect-THAT?-governator, the superintendent-special-interest-protect-the-rich-buds-idiot of my district, and the continuing me-me-me of a couple of staff members (minor stuff, but still there).

Couldn't 2008 have ended ANY faster?

okay. the good stuff. Mega dental improvements -- $31K+, thanks to the inheritance -- mega-great difference in my smile and (knock, knock) no sinus infections since the dentist sent me out the door all improved. That's a biggie.

The kittens are safe and healthy and happy. That's a biggie right there. Probably the biggest.

Our home is just that -- a HOME -- and we're peaceful and calmer than ever because of it. I'm grateful.

Read some great books this year -- in the middle of the John Sanford "Lucas Davenport" prey series and I think I'm in love with John Sanford...g...wonderful spare, clean, layered writing with some off the wall humor and incredible character development.

I'm sleeping well. That's a biggie. I'm off-and-on eating better and managing to (mostly) drink more sugar-free fluid (lots of Tejava tea, but that's unsweetened and just gosh-darn-good). The exercise? Not so much -- but some.

I'm solvent. Biggie right there. Spending too much on 'stuff,' but that's a work-in-progress for this year and I WILL gain control of this and replace it with positives.

The kittens are healthy and happy. That means more than just about anything, I guess -- our family's okay.

Does that make me totally a dork? Probably, but they're what I've got -- what I've CHOSEN right now -- and that's okay. We're okay. Good, actually.

So, hey, 2009? At ya, new year -- and praying for the best. We've got Obama, bless him -- may he live up to 1% of the hype and may we see the positives that come from his ideas and intent.

At ya again, new year -- WRITE, will ya? It's about time -- and I'm ready for it.

The job? Don't know -- There's the insurance well if I leave it -- mega problem that will probably keep me there no matter what -- but I sure would like to leave this depressive stress behind me and move forward. Can I do it?

Probably not, unless I score a mega-win on the lottery. Ha.

Deliberate moves? Yeah -- some -- 10 minutes on treadmill plus at least 1 trip to the office every day -- there's one. One apple, 1-2 bananas, and 1-2 oranges or something else fruit every day -- THAT one is easy. More veggies? Working on it, but could work harder and more deliberately on nutritional choices.

Decluttering books and 'stuff'? Already working on it -- just keep going.

More socializing? Yeah, I wish -- but again, I'm going to TRY. I CAN do this.

Happiness quotient? I'm about a 6-7 right now, which is better than it's been in years past. I can ratchet that one up if I work on it.

so DO IT already.

Just DO.

Thank you, Lord. Please help me to keep us safe, healthy, happy and secure. Please help our nation. Please help public education, our school, and the children I teach. PLEASE help Robbin Lund and the boys, and the family of Jamie Hanes.

Please help me DO.

I CAN and I WILL -- with your help.

Thank you. I'm well and truly blessed, in spite of it all, and I'm grateful.

Hot, hotter, and --

Just danged HOT. 105 plus over the past couple of days, air quality not good, and the air conditioner's running up the electric bill - but I'm HOME, comfortable, and frankly okay with it.

One week into summer vacation. Lots of little schlep-stuff accomplished but I haven't even thought of writing yet. That comes tomorrow and into next week, around the work training sessions on Monday and Tuesday afternoon and the dreaded-but-long-needed dentist's appointment on Wednesday morning.

Thank God for summer vacation.

Sunday

My mother passed away very peacefully early last Thursday morning. An aide was with her when she went, thank heaven. Her last request was for a drink of water, which she sipped and passed back to the aide before lying back down, looking up at the ceiling and passing with one last breath. Peaceful, easy, gentle passing. Something we feared would not happen because she'd been so combative with everyone (symptom of Alzheimers but also symptomatic of her personality).

Learned all this via a wonderful call from the nursing home manager -- I'm very grateful. My own sister, of course, couldn't be bothered calling me -- she assigned that task to her older daughter. I'm so SO done with all these passive-aggressive games and outright cruelties -- DONE with my sister. Sad to say, but this behavior will continue (and worsen) and I'm no longer willing to emotionally engage with that woman. She's a total stranger after all these years, and not a nice one.

So, yeah, I'm okay. Semi-sad, but more thankful that it was a peaceful end to her pain and suffering. No one deserves this kind of end (and the 4-5 years leading up to it) -- not even my abusive, nasty mother.

I haven't taken any time off work -- no real need and staying in routine has in truth helped me. Long phone conversations with my Aunt C. Friday morning -- that helped a LOT - and a very frank and honest 90 minutes with my cousin D. yesterday, which filled me in on many family details (and possible reasons for inexplicable actions over the years).

Will I write about this someday? Absolutely. I think that spinning these characters into a novel will help me resolve and move on -- I THINK. We'll see how that decision translates into action over the next six months of so.

K. told me that she needed another ring for her wedding ring finger. She hasn't taken hers off yet, but it's preying on her mind and T. hasn't worn his in months and (for all she knows) hasn't even told the people where he works now that he's married. This is HELL for her, I know, and I can't help her. I'm waiting for her to get angry enough to make a decision, difficult as it's going to be, but she's depressed and (because of that) stagnating. Perhaps her inheritance from F. will help -- I hope so -- at least she can lift herself out from the bills and use that freedom of choice IF SHE CHOOSES -- which I hope she does.

Being alone is a hell of a different thing from being lonely. 20+ years by myself has taught me that, if nothing else. I look back on three engagements is in now. I don't think her relationship started that way -- far from it -- but it's evolved into a useless, hurtful negative dragging at her 24/7 -- and she doesn't need that. I'm reminded of all the 'what if's' in my life and the way some higher power of fate steered me along the right path, even though at the time I thought it was nothing but hideously WRONG. I'm okay -- because of those twists and turns in the path, the unknowns, and the painful heartaches. Will I link up with another man someday? Perhaps -- or not. I'm okay either way.

Finally.

Right now, anyway.

On to the job situation. 41-42 teachers RIF'ed last Thursday night at the school board meeting -- 30%+ of our staff. No administrators, of course, and the current explanation is that some of their salaries are paid by categorical funds and therefore they can't be 'retired.' This new excuse is completely off the wall-new-unheard before now -- and I question the veracity. In 19 years I've NEVER heard that about these jobs -- go figure. Lying? Perhaps. Twisting and spinning? Definitely. Protect themselves and totally forgetting that we're working for our product -- the children we teach -- and not to preserve our own turf? For sure.

Lying weasels. All of them. I'm at a point where I trust nothing they say -- even a simple 'hello' and I'm thinking 'stupid idiot' as I do for GWB. How many times can these people lie and steal from children and cry 'wolf' to get the public to cough up more money -- and get away with it? Huge editorial in today's paper about a loss of faith in public education, which I completely GET. Who wants to stay in a job where working conditions are _____, you're lied to at every opportunity (and with no attempt whatsoever to cover those lies when they're uncovered), and where your job is flailing in the wind with every shift in political power and gameplaying? It's just not worth it. Would I leave teaching today if I could? Dang right. In a heartbeat.

Four-five more years, tops. Wouldn't be that except for the insurance and retirement. Yeah, I love the kids I teach and I love my job when I'm allowed to do it. The rest of this profession is for the birds -- and then some.

So where's our true education president? Hillary? Perhaps. She has more track record on children's and education issues from what I've seen. Can she back it up with action? That I don't know.

On to housework and school schlep. Gentle, peaceful day, mostly inside (fierce Santa Ana's out there -- yuch) and hopefully with some afternoon reading time. Hopefully.

Thank you, Lord. I'm well and truly blessed in so many ways. These peripherals will pass and we'll be okay. Just have to slough through it all. That's where you come in.

Thank you.

Sunday

My mother is now in considerable pain, enough to require morphine that isn't really working -- she's twitching in her sleep and unable to find a comfortable position. I believe this is because everything is shutting down internally, and I pray the morphine/pain killers bring her some relief and peace in her final hours.

How do I feel about this? I haven't felt connected to my family since I was 17. A lifetime of emotional and physical abuse have made distance the preference -- and thank God I've been able to manage that. Am I okay with my family relationships? No, frankly, but every time I've tried to reach out to my older sister I've been slammed back, hurt, and abused -- Mom II, anyone? Sad stuff.

Thank God for my older niece, who is going through enough on her own without this added burden. She is my family. Bottom line.

Adding to this horrendous week -- our district's proposed budget cuts (thank you, Governator, for your short-sighted political stupidity) include the entire elementary music program plus a huge number of other cuts that directly affect children. No administrative cuts at all, of course, because that -- according to our superintendent -- 'is working well.' Kids don't know or CARE that district office administrators are "working well." They care that their class size has increased, there's no time to talk one-on-one with their teacher, the place is filthy because custodial services are virtually non-existent, supplies and textbooks are in short supply, the roof leaks, and there's no FUN in their day. Will these proposed cuts become reality? I don't think so -- not in their entirety -- but also suspect that our district administrators are waving us in the wind to soak more money from parents (among other things). We've gone through this 3-4 times over the past 18+ years, and I expect we'll go through it again if we survive this year. Question: how many more times are parents going to respond positively when our district administrators cry wolf? How many more times will they believe these people? You have to wonder. The district business manager said that the public explanation of the voter-approved parcel tax -- passed to fund counselors, music and fine arts programs -- was an "oversimplification" so the public would vote. Doesn't that mean a LIE? All of that money goes into general fund and is used for anything they wish -- including more administrators and more expense accounts. When will the public recognize the lies and act?

So I have options, I know, even though they're out of my comfort zone and will be difficult (without a doubt). I have to look for work in another field -- writing, I hope -- although that may be difficult because of all the writers making up for wages they lost during the WGA strike. We'll see -- something positive WILL come from this if I try.

And try I must. Failure is NOT an option.

Never has been, never will be.

So DO already.

Thank you, Lord.

Please help my mother die in peace.

My mother continues her sharp, suddenly rapid decline. Alzheimers/dementia, OCD, senior onset diabetes, years of inactivity and semi-agoraphobia plus the fact that she's 87 -- I pray the end is painless and calm.

Call from K last night to say that my mother had fallen in her room (possible heart attack?) and the hospice nurse was there. At that time L said that my mother wouldn't last the night. I called the home this morning and she was sitting in a wheelchair in the living room watching television. Vital signs had perked up and the hospice nurse had gone home. I talked to her for 2-3 minutes and she was pretty out of it, but the nurse said she'd refused her meds for a good half hour-plus (she's "very stubborn" -- no kidding...g...).

So was L's 'imminent' forecast from information she was given on the phone -- or wish fulfillment expressed aloud once again? Probably a bit of both, but perhaps that makes it even sadder.

Didn't sleep last night -- too much of this plus other things from work on my mind. Sometimes stewing brings clarity in the morning. Somehow. Certainly did feel better this morning, and managed 90 minutes of snooze on the couch this afternoon, which really helped bring me back to center. Thank heaven we have another vacation day tomorrow.

I remember so much cruelty, so many putdowns and punishments for alleged 'crimes' a young child couldn't understand -- so much abuse. Yeah, I've moved on, and yeah, I wish absolutely NO pain or suffering on this elderly woman. Can I respond with love? I'm finding that difficult. Compassion, yes, but love? I think I lost that 30+ years ago when I walked out of that house for the last time.

Is that sad - or survival? I rather think the latter, but realize that time will reveal more of that answer. Can I ever bring back any love or sympathy for my older sister, who echoes (and sometimes exceeds) what our mother inflicted on all of us? Remains to be seen also - but I somehow doubt it. Not sure I can open that door again and still protect myself.

However -- if I don't somehow reopen and revisit all of this -- am I closing myself off to virtually ALL love in my life? Will I ever meet a man I can fully trust? My track record is pretty poor so far, and I slammed and locked that area down after Dan. Ten years ago. Enough?

Perhaps.

Or not.

But I'm okay. Thank you, Lord -- that's your grace in my life.

Lazy, easy Saturday -- I'm grateful. Sunshine through every one of the huge windows lining one wall of my two-story condo -- gorgeous, lovely sunshine topped with blue skies and the greens of plants lining my patio. Siameezers sleeping next to me (or on my lap), 'helping' me fold laundry and 'helping' me read by sitting on my book/newspapers. Laughter. Smiles. Lovely. Peaceful. Calm.

Home.

Love.

Arnold signed the school and health care budget cuts into law this afternoon. In all likelihood that signature sealed the fate of the grant money we were hoping to spend on new textbooks and instruments because our wise leaders in the d.o. will steal those funds to make up this loss -- and, by the way, make themselves quite a hefty profit at the same time. So we're back to zero . Discouraging? You bet. Disheartening. That too. Love the kids I work with. Tolerating the upper administrative follies with less and less patience this year -- and can't blame myself one bit. Enough already.

but I whine....

Three day weekend with very little on the list besides the usual house schlep and a wee bit of homework for next week. So -- tah dah -- tomorrow I WRITE. 1K a day the goal from now on. FINISH -- and start anew. Get the habits in gear again and DO.

My color today? Light, bright -- yellow sun, blue sky, green nature -- happy.

My heart? Happy.

Thank you, Lord. Well and truly blessed -- and grateful. That's me.

Self-check

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."
— Albert Camus

So one of my three 2008 resolutions -- the last and the most important -- was to 'be happy.'

How am I doing on this one?

I'm giving myself a bit more self-kindness lately, not preaching with that caustic 'you're no good' inner voice taught and perfected by my mother and older sister over so many years of rip-downs.

I'm giving myself time to unwind when I get home -- sometimes 30 minutes (timer-:) on the couch with Siameezers on the lap, sometimes a full nap, sometimes just sitting with some Tivo catch-up -- but it's time and it's working.

I'm giving myself silence and peace.

I'm listening to music and reading before I turn out the lights every night, which helps me relax and sink into the warmth of the blankets/bed.

I'm grateful and saying it -- every night, last thing I do, with as many positives as I can throw in there. That's probably best of all.

I'm still beating myself up when I look in a mirror -- again, thanks to my parents and older sister -- unrelenting negatives about your looks plus the constant negative emphasis on unachievable perfection does that to one. I GET it, but the habit's hard to break.

So don't look in the mirror quite so much.

If at all. Does it REALLY matter?

I'm trying to leave work at work and bring only positive mindsets home. That means I'm not answering the phone if I don't feel like it, especially if I know (called i.d. -- godsend-:) it's someone who will gossip and carry on way past rationality about things we can't change. I'm trying to accept the fact that I CAN'T change some things, especially those fostered by our inept and selfish district administrators. They will answer for all of this someday, but that 'someday' isn't a given and isn't on the calendar -- yet. Someday...

I KNOW I CAN do the things my heart desires. I KNOW I can write. I KNOW I can publish books and do well. I KNOW I can.

The best way I can be kind to myself? Just DO it.

There's the rub. The joy and the rub. The 'do' is the hard part, but it'll get easier each and every day if I just let it evolve and I try.

TRY. DO.

and be kind about it.