My mother continues her sharp, suddenly rapid decline. Alzheimers/dementia, OCD, senior onset diabetes, years of inactivity and semi-agoraphobia plus the fact that she's 87 -- I pray the end is painless and calm.

Call from K last night to say that my mother had fallen in her room (possible heart attack?) and the hospice nurse was there. At that time L said that my mother wouldn't last the night. I called the home this morning and she was sitting in a wheelchair in the living room watching television. Vital signs had perked up and the hospice nurse had gone home. I talked to her for 2-3 minutes and she was pretty out of it, but the nurse said she'd refused her meds for a good half hour-plus (she's "very stubborn" -- no kidding...g...).

So was L's 'imminent' forecast from information she was given on the phone -- or wish fulfillment expressed aloud once again? Probably a bit of both, but perhaps that makes it even sadder.

Didn't sleep last night -- too much of this plus other things from work on my mind. Sometimes stewing brings clarity in the morning. Somehow. Certainly did feel better this morning, and managed 90 minutes of snooze on the couch this afternoon, which really helped bring me back to center. Thank heaven we have another vacation day tomorrow.

I remember so much cruelty, so many putdowns and punishments for alleged 'crimes' a young child couldn't understand -- so much abuse. Yeah, I've moved on, and yeah, I wish absolutely NO pain or suffering on this elderly woman. Can I respond with love? I'm finding that difficult. Compassion, yes, but love? I think I lost that 30+ years ago when I walked out of that house for the last time.

Is that sad - or survival? I rather think the latter, but realize that time will reveal more of that answer. Can I ever bring back any love or sympathy for my older sister, who echoes (and sometimes exceeds) what our mother inflicted on all of us? Remains to be seen also - but I somehow doubt it. Not sure I can open that door again and still protect myself.

However -- if I don't somehow reopen and revisit all of this -- am I closing myself off to virtually ALL love in my life? Will I ever meet a man I can fully trust? My track record is pretty poor so far, and I slammed and locked that area down after Dan. Ten years ago. Enough?

Perhaps.

Or not.

But I'm okay. Thank you, Lord -- that's your grace in my life.