Sunday

My mother is now in considerable pain, enough to require morphine that isn't really working -- she's twitching in her sleep and unable to find a comfortable position. I believe this is because everything is shutting down internally, and I pray the morphine/pain killers bring her some relief and peace in her final hours.

How do I feel about this? I haven't felt connected to my family since I was 17. A lifetime of emotional and physical abuse have made distance the preference -- and thank God I've been able to manage that. Am I okay with my family relationships? No, frankly, but every time I've tried to reach out to my older sister I've been slammed back, hurt, and abused -- Mom II, anyone? Sad stuff.

Thank God for my older niece, who is going through enough on her own without this added burden. She is my family. Bottom line.

Adding to this horrendous week -- our district's proposed budget cuts (thank you, Governator, for your short-sighted political stupidity) include the entire elementary music program plus a huge number of other cuts that directly affect children. No administrative cuts at all, of course, because that -- according to our superintendent -- 'is working well.' Kids don't know or CARE that district office administrators are "working well." They care that their class size has increased, there's no time to talk one-on-one with their teacher, the place is filthy because custodial services are virtually non-existent, supplies and textbooks are in short supply, the roof leaks, and there's no FUN in their day. Will these proposed cuts become reality? I don't think so -- not in their entirety -- but also suspect that our district administrators are waving us in the wind to soak more money from parents (among other things). We've gone through this 3-4 times over the past 18+ years, and I expect we'll go through it again if we survive this year. Question: how many more times are parents going to respond positively when our district administrators cry wolf? How many more times will they believe these people? You have to wonder. The district business manager said that the public explanation of the voter-approved parcel tax -- passed to fund counselors, music and fine arts programs -- was an "oversimplification" so the public would vote. Doesn't that mean a LIE? All of that money goes into general fund and is used for anything they wish -- including more administrators and more expense accounts. When will the public recognize the lies and act?

So I have options, I know, even though they're out of my comfort zone and will be difficult (without a doubt). I have to look for work in another field -- writing, I hope -- although that may be difficult because of all the writers making up for wages they lost during the WGA strike. We'll see -- something positive WILL come from this if I try.

And try I must. Failure is NOT an option.

Never has been, never will be.

So DO already.

Thank you, Lord.

Please help my mother die in peace.